Secretary of State Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi newspaper reporter and accusingly asked, “Isn’t it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?”
Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated “Yes, it’s true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are United States Marines.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”
And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
U.S. Accepts Saddam’s Latest Proposal
(2003-02-26) — The White House and Saddam Hussein have finally found common ground on one issue of the current crisis. The breakthrough came when Mr. Hussein told CBS News reporter Dan Rather that he won’t go into exile.
“We will die here,” said the Iraqi president. “We will die in this country and we will maintain our honour.”
The Bush administration immediately accepted the proposal.
“The president doesn’t know who else Saddam’s talking about when he says ‘we will die here’,” said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, “But as long as that includes Saddam, we’re open to the idea. Of course, there are still a lot of details to work out. But now that he has conceded one of our major demands, it’s just a matter of timing and methodology, and how much of our assistance might be required.”
Mr. Fleischer said Saddam would have to supply his own “honour”.
“According to our data, he doesn’t have any of that in stock,” Mr. Fleischer added.
In the mid 60’s, a US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.”
Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, “there must be some mistake!”
“No ma’am,” said the first officer, “Captain Cohen doesn’t make mistakes!”
Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act
On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans–through no fault of their own–do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, complaining to the MTA about non-working turnstiles, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding “middle man” positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for these hires. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”
“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”
Socio-Math Problems for San Francisco Students
- Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 1/2 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
- Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he’s ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
- Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
- Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?
- The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
- A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
- George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George’s average caffeine density in mg/pound?
- There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
- If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
- Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only
Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option? —
- All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
- Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip’s bedroom for $500/month.
- Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
- Rent strike.
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
The truth about the Aussie SAS…
There has been some speculation about why the Australian military contribution to the war in Iraq has not received anything like the coverage that the American (obviously) and British forces have.
Well the reasons are twofold: firstly, the size of the force is a great deal smaller as it is made up of the elite Australian Special Air Service (which is operating in conjunction with their British SAS and American Delta Force & SEAL counterparts)… and secondly the fact they are special forces means operational security is paramount. The Aussies are famous in Special Forces circles for their ability to survive without resupply for long periods of time, something very useful when operating behind enemy lines. Just how they do this is a closely guarded secret.
However there is another more… puzzling… aspect to the lack of news, considering the Australians are the only group to invite the Al-Jazeera TV channel to embed journalists with them. A recently broadcast signal from a Australian SAS unit ‘somewhere in Iraq’ made mention that they had run out of embedded journalists and could they send a couple more out, preferably less stringy ones this time. It is unclear what the significance of that last remark was.
Note From a Friend – This is beautiful
To nobody’s surprise there were protesters today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia.
I got hosed twice because I come in from No VA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protesters (but that isn’t the point of this thread). Anyway, I’ll get to the point.
I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, “Ma’am, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said, “Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
I’m glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.
Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition’s payroll.
Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton’s last-minute forgiveness spree.
Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
His new job?
“Youth counselor!!!
View the Snopes reference to this event
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing IRS audit. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, “IRS agents are horses’ asses.”
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: “Mister, you’d better watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”
I was bored last week and a thought occurred to me. Why is it that there is a government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? I was bored enough to call up the regional office of said bureau. I asked the man who answered the phone “What wine goes best with an M-16?” He did his best to be helpful, however. “That depends. What are you smoking?”
Q. How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, the market will take care of it.
Q. Why did the Libertarian cross the road?
A. To start his own country.
Jay Leno on the effort to write a constitution for Iraq:
“As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? Think about it – it was written by very smart people, it’s served us well for over two hundred years, and… we’re not using it anymore.”
